i am frustrated~

And it really isn't even based on food today. Nor anything else that I am allowing or not allowing into my body. It has to do with a 13 year old daughter.......

The goal of all this clarity is to be there more for my children, my family. Be more hands on. I had escaped into my room on a regular basis. Come home from work, transport kids where they needed to be, prepare dinner. Then hide.

I think this has affected their grades, and prevented them from learning basic responsibility. UGH........now I know why I have been hiding. The sleep deprived daughter is a mess........so I beg her to not go to sleep. To complete a few basic tasks.........eat dinner, shower, tidy up your room. It turned into a horrible horrible fit of rage on her part, that resulted in her breaking the shower door off. She is showered. Room is not cleaned, and well she is asleep, on the floor. I took the dog for a walk. And thought about how a few glasses of wine, my help me in this situation. I haven't touched the wine..............

Being a single Mom sucks. It is exhausting because there is never no back up. And who am I kidding even when I wasn't a single Mom there was no back up. And not to sound critical toward Dad, he's around. He's around a lot. But he has never been there. So even though I can now be officially a single Mom. Things haven't changed. I am just choosing not to medicate myself with a bottle of wine.

I have clarity alright. It is clear that things are not right. And I won't be surprised if I sneak a couple sips of wine just to make it to blissful sleep.

Happy New Year!

Day Six-wine input-ZERO. the huge bottle is still unopened. I feel good about that. I am almost thinking of the wine as the enemy now. The thought of tasting it, does not even appeal to me.

caffeine input-minimal. Typical morning input. It still tastes good. I wonder if I should give it up completely. Something to think about this weekend.

Food input-also minimal. Soup at work yesterday due to the illness...........and dinner that I didn't finish. Made some snacks for the kids..........had a couple. Off to bed. Maybe its my secret destiny to get through this first week being sick, to get me off the bad input and into the good input.

Dog walking-yes! Still full force. He loves me and he deserves this. And I am sure my body is loving me for it.

Things to think about. The big one. Going to the doctor. Something not mentioned, because I don't think about it. Getting back on my medication for my thyroid. Ha! Maybe that would help me lose this weight. But too embarassed to go just yet, as my weight is TOO high. How many people try to lose weight before their check up. I DO! The damn nurse always says my weight OUT LOUD.

Other things to think about. Going back to the gym. Finding a life that is healthier.......which will hopefully make me happier. In the end, all I am looking for is happiness. A sense of belonging inside my skin.

Its a new year..........options are limitless.

what day is it?

Maybe its a blessing that I don't feel 100%.....The lack of energy prevents me from wanting to head to the kitchen, let alone cook or prepare a snack.

The HUGE bottle of wine that was given to me by a co worker is still at my office. What a wonderful birthday gift! Today and yesterday, I just didn't want it. I am keeping it at my office to avoid temptation.

So tonight, New Years Eve. A house full of teens doing god knows what. I need clarity. I need my wits about me. So no, no wine tonight. It will not provide clarity.

I felt of clear mind yesterday driving to work. I was listening to my music, and felt the way I used to feel at times. Peaceful, and happy to be alone. I want that feeling every day. I think that is called being content.

I think the weekend will be hard. My first weekend of not eating carelessly. But I watched a show last night where a young girl lost 90 pounds in 111 days. I was inspired and also disappointed in myself. If she can do 90, why can't I do 15?

This future skinny girl is off and running. Nursing a cold, I shall take a shower, and then take my best friend for his well deserved walk. Right now, this is all I know..........~

In search of Clarity still~

day 3-I had to have cake last night. It was my 45th birthday, and I earned it. For all the cakes I didn't have for previous years. It was good. No, great. One peice was perfect.

Caffeine intake-an over abundence. An extra cup at work yesterday, followed by a large cup to go with my birthday cake and my new coffee cup. That too was perfect, but today, I have a caffeine hangover. So on this aspect, I am starting over.............

Still no wine. Thinking about it though. New Years Eve with no wine??? As of this moment, I have decided no wine. Things could change~

Sitting at my desk at work, while hot chocolate and marshmallows is offered. Spinach dip~I work with all women.........we all comfort each other with food. These girls need to leave me alone, ah~ But they love me, as I do them.

Getting dressed was the same this morning. No milestones. I didn't attempt to try on anything that hasn't been fitting.........I slipped into my "butter ball" clothes. Promising myself no scale for two weeks. I can't even weigh myself until next year. I find that difficult.

I am off to work now. Tea in hand. Lots of water.......minimal food. I wonder when I will address the smoking issue???

clean is clarity

Day two of input~what is put into my body, determines my clarity, my state of mind, my well being.

Reason behind this new journey? I read what I blogged approximately one year ago, and it was fueled by what was being put into my body. Mass quantities of wine, cigarettes, caffeine and icky food. My finances, work, and mental well being were/are very unstable. Changed started on a minor level~two weeks ago.

Caffeine input-minimal. goal? less headaches and exhaustion in the afternoon, and perhaps more energy to walk my dog.

Wine input-UGH.........this one is tough. NO MORE wine in the house. no more stopping after work for a bottle of wine. No more Sunday afternoon cleaning the house bottle of wine. Limit-if I go out.........I may have wine. End result? first attempt: out with the girls......bombed.......and ill. second attempt? much better- 3 1/2 glasses of wine..........I just walked away from it without stumbling. Was of clear mind when I went home, and headache free at work the next day.......

Baby steps. I WANT the wine. I don't crave it anymore. I just miss it. Like a dear dear friend~that has always been there for me, but always got me into trouble.

So now day two of the food. Think before I eat. Stop thinking about eating. I am officially in detox of food. One thing, that has always been my enemy for as long as I can remember. An enemy so much, that it was easier not to eat, than to eat. Now, its easier to eat, than to not eat. Goal? I need to lose the 15 pounds that I gained in 12 months.

There is a lot more to discuss on this topic. But tonight I am tired. Unmotivated to write about it. But I took two walks today. And haven't retreated to my bedroom to hide from my children like I normally do, and I smiled at work all day today......even on the inside.........

So if you are interested, feel free to take this journey with me, I don't want to do it alone.